Bound
by girleffect
Summary: She's always wondered
1. Chapter 1

**New story- this is really special to me! Big huge thanks to Mechabeira- I couldn't have done this without you! Please leave a review on the way out- enjoy :) **

"_You can bury the past, but it's a moselaum". _

_Indigo Girls, Tether_

Ziva sighed and dropped her keys and gun on the coffee table and hung her head- her neck was killing her from a day spent on top of a building in one of her oldest roles- sniper. She wanted a glass of wine and a hot bath, maybe another chapter of her new book. She was about to sink into the warm bubbles when her house phone rang.

"David." She snapped, daring the caller on the other line to piss her off.

"Is this Ziva David?" A warm, accented voice asked.

"Yes, this is she. May I ask whose calling?"

"This is Chana Goldman… you may not remember me, but my husband Isaac and I lived in the apartment next door to your father's in Tel Aviv."

"I remember you." Ziva confirmed, remembering a young, beautiful couple, madly in love and childless. Isaac was a banker and Chana a secretary who was working towards her PhD in English Literature. The Goldman's had invited the David's over for a few Shabbat meals, and would call to make sure Ziva was all right after Eli had noisily stormed out of the apartment, drunk and enraged. They moved to New York City when she was sixteen, after...

"Oh, good!" Chana breathed, relieved. "I know this is very hard for you, but Sarah would love to meet you..."

"Sarah?" Ziva questioned, confused and hopeful all at once.

There was a small, awkward pause. "Your daughter. You…gave her to us."

Ziva's vision began to swim, her breathing ragged with imminent tears.

"I did not know she was placed with you," she finally said, her voice small.

"You- you didn't? You're father said you requested us to have her." Chana replied, obviously distressed. "We've sent you letters and pictures throughout the years."

"I did not receive them. And I was told she was placed in an orphanage. I- I am glad she has you."

"I am so sorry. I thought you'd known!" Chana's voice was small, remorseful even guilty.

"Do not be sorry. How is she?" Ziva asked, her fingers trembling.

"She is amazing. She turned twelve last month, which, uh, I was sure you knew, and her Bat Mitzvah is in January. She has always wanted to meet you, and was hoping to have you there."

"I would like that very much." Ziva whispered. "What is her name again?" She felt inadequate, angry and cheated- she didn't even know her daughters name.

"Sarah. Sarah Ya'el Goldman. We live in New York City. We would be happy to fly you from D.C to our home. Perhaps you would come a few days early so you can get to know her. I will email you the information."

"Sure." Ziva whispered.

"Well, I will tell her what you said. It was so good to speak to you- I hope you are well."

"Yes, thank you. I am glad you called."

They hung up, and Ziva let the phone drop to the tile floor. She was livid and grieving. She picked dup the phone again and dialed Eli, not caring what time it was in Tel Aviv.

"Shalom." He answered.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Ziva questioned.

"Ziva? Is that you?"  
"Yes! Now answer me! Why did you not tell me you gave my baby to the Goldman's?"

"Ziva, that was a long time ago-"

"Tell me! And why did you keep their letters to me about _my _child secret?"

Eli grimaced. Ziva could picture him running a calloused hand over his eyes.

"Because Ziva, you had a duty to Israel- and you could not fulfill that if you were distracted by fantasies about some baby!" Ziva's heart began to pound, her throat closing. Sadness was tearing her resolve to shreds.

"My baby! It was not my choice to give her up- you decided that for me! If that wasn't enough, was I not allowed to know she was safe and happy?"

"It would have distracted you! And Ziva, you didn't know how to be a mother, how to love a child- you are a killer! It is best this way!"

Ziva's eyes filled with angry tears, bile rose in her throat like the growing pit of anger in her stomach. "You will send me their letters and pictures via overnight express." She finally said, voice low and dangerous. "Shalom". And with that, she hung up on him.

No matter how much she resented it, on some level, Eli was right. How could she successfully raise a child while on missions all over the world? Would she have ever met Jenny Sheppard, or come to NCIS? And if she had, how would she have handled Gibbs' work ethic with a seven year old? She imagined Abby fixing pigtails on a smiling, sun kissed girl, Gibbs pinning her stellar report card behind his desk and teaching her how to build a boat. Ducky telling an eager-faced girl stories, McGee helping her with homework. She could see Tony throwing her up in the air and grinning like a maniac while she squealed with laughter.

Her head hung in her hands and she climbed into her bed, bath time forgotten. Ziva had no more energy, she simply wanted to sleep for a year.

In sleep, she dreamed of Sarah as a newborn. She dreamed of how it felt for her to be ripped from her arms and sent to a faraway land. Of diapers and kisses and baby soft skin and Eli yelling in the background, a constant reminder of her inadequacy. Tomorrow, everyone would know her shame and grief. For now, she wanted to be left alone with her fantasies.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you so much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter- you are all made of amazingness. I love you all! Please enjoy, and leave a review on your way out the door!**

_"You I thought I knew you, you I cannot judge. You I thought you knew me, this one laughing quietly." _

_R.E.M, Nightswimming _

Ziva took her first sick day in four years the next day. It would be too much to handle to put on a brave face for everyone, to try and focus when her mind was elsewhere. She held a hand over her stomach for a long time, remembering what it felt like to breathe life into an innocent human being. She paced back and forth throughout her apartment like a caged animal, waiting for her package to arrive from Tel Aviv. Finally, a deliveryman knocked on her door and asked her to sign for a large package, heavy with memories. Ziva smiled tightly and ripped open the box.

She picked up the first picture and was faced with a chubby baby, laughing on the swings in what she assumed to be central park. Sarah looked like Tali as a baby- all bright eyes and exuberance. She had messy brown curls and a radiant smile. A beautiful baby. Ziva hugged the picture to her chest and held back tears. Sarah's first day of school, hair plaited in two perfect braids. She looked absolutely darling in her uniform, blue pleated skirt and a sweater that bore the words "Solomon Schechter Day School". She had a princess backpack and a Star of David necklace. As she grew older, Sarah began to look more and more like Ziva- their resemblance was striking.

Tony texted her periodically throughout the day to make sure she was ok, to see if he could bring her soup for lunch, and promises of a big night in with tea and movies. Ziva wished she could tell him, that her face didn't burn with embarrassment and anticipation whenever she thought about how to start the conversation. Yes, they'd been dating for about nine months now, flying under the radar and falling into comfortable patterns of domesticity, something Ziva thought would never happen to her.

...

She hears the key in the lock before she sees him, smiling and swaggering in with a container of matzo ball soup and some DVD's. "Lucy, I'm home." He singsongs, joining her on the couch.

"How are you feeling?" He asks, taking in her pale face and puffy eyes. "I've missed you." He breathes, and kisses her cheek.

Ziva's stomach is doing cartwheels and her hands shake slightly.

"Tony."

"Zee-vah." he answers.

"I have to tell you something." her tone and ragged breathing sobered him.

"What is it babe?"

"I...I do not know how to tell you this but... When I was sixteen, I had a baby girl. Eli forced me to give her up for adoption. Until last night, I'd though he'd placed her in an orphanage. I did not even know her name. But last night, I received a call from an old neighbor, Chana Goldman. Eli had given the baby to them- she thought I had requested it."

Ziva felt shaky and clammy, nauseated even. Saying the words out loud made it real.

Tony's eyes were wide and he ran a tired hand over his face, sighing. He was quiet for a long minute as he digested what has been thrown at him.

"I don't- why didn't you tell me?" He finally asked, slightly hurt.

Ziva shook her head, fighting tears. "I did not know how to tell you, and honestly, I was ashamed. What kind of a mother am I that I didn't even know where she was- didn't even know her name? I miss her every second of every day, and I did not want you to be burdened with more of my luggage."

"Baggage." Tony whispers, automatically correcting her. "And you have nothing to be ashamed of. I'm not upset with you, I just wish you'd told me. What's her name?"

"Sarah Ya'el Goldman." Ziva whispered, laying her head on Tony's shoulder. "I have been invited to her bat mitzvah in New York City in January."

"Are you going to go?"

"Yes. I would like to see if you could come with me. I…am nervous." She feels vulnerable, exposed. Admitting her feelings is not something Ziva grew up doing.

Tony pulls her in close so that her head rests on her chest. "I'd love to."

They sit in comfortable silence for a long time, and soon Ziva's breathing evens out as she succumbs to the pull of real sleep.

_Ziva runs to the apartment next door with Tali slumped in her arms, her fever heat penetrating through Ziva's blue tank top. Tali's curls are plastered to her sweaty brow, her cheeks pink and eyes vacant. At thirteen, Ziva has been left alone to take care of her nine year old sister while her father is away 'doing business'. Eli never specified when he would be home, and four days later, she is beginning to fear he's not coming back, just like Ema. She has put on a brave face for her sister so far, but when Tali's fever began to rise and she began to hallucinate, Ziva knew it was time to ask for help. She pounded on the Goldman's door- Ziva knew Chana had the day off on Friday's to prepare for Shabbat. . _

_There was the quiet shuffle of feet and then Chana opened the door, smiling until she saw the state Tali was in. _

_A drive to the hospital in Chana's blue convertible, Tali's warm head pillowed on Ziva's lap, sweaty thighs sticking together. Chana put an arm around Ziva's trembling shoulders as she watched her unconscious sister be wheeled away on a gurney. _

"_Do not worry, Motek." Chana had whispered into her hair. "Everything will be alright."_


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you all for your support- it means a lot! Love love love! Review please!**

Chapter 3

"_Darkness is a harsh term, don't you think?_

_And yet it dominates the things I seek." _

Mumford and Sons, Roll Away Your Stones

Days, weeks and months passed. Ziva not only received an email confirming her flight number and information, but a crisp white invitation with dark purple script. It smelled fresh and flowery. She bought a new, navy suit for the service and a red cap sleeved dress for the small reception afterwards. Abby convinced her to buy heels and a purse, grinning as Ziva tried on dress after dress. She'd demanded pictures of Sarah, and oohed and ahed over Ziva's beautiful girl. Abby wasn't mad or judegemtal- no one on the team had been. They'd listened with quiet support, and didn't ask too many questions as she feared they might.

Tony even put a ring on her finger, a beautiful diamond solitaire that sparkled in the light. Everything was falling into place, but her gut still churned relentlessly, her heart beating faster whenever she thought of the upcoming reunion.

...

"Have you seen my blue tie?" Tony called from the bedroom as she folded clothes into garment bags to protect them from the upcoming airplane ride.

"Did you try the hallway closet?" She calls over her shoulder.

"Found it!" He cries and wraps his arms around her torso from behind, kissing her ear. She shrieks with laughter and barely pays attention as she answers the phone, smiling coyly all the while.

"Hello?" She giggles, a rare sound as Tony tickles her ribs.

"Ziva, it is your father."

Her stomach drops, her face paling considerably.

"What can I do for you, papa?" Tony raises his eyebrows and leads her to the couch with a supportive hand on her upper arm.

"I hear you are attending Sarah Goldman's Bat Mitzvah in New York this weekend."

"That is correct."

"Why?"

"What do you mean why? I was invited, and she is my daughter."

"She is not your daughter. She is nothing to you, and you are nothing to her."

"That's not true." Ziva warbles, eyes watering.

"It is. Please do not let yourself be distracted from what is important by this frivolousness. I wish you would just let this.. This fantasy go."

"This is not some fantasy! This is my life, Eli! You have never let me do anything the way I want to do it, and I would appreciate it if you stopped treating me like a teenager and recognized that I am an adult who can make my own decisions."

"Do not use that tone with me. I know what is best-"

"You have never had my best interests at heart- not even when I was a child. Do not embarrass yourself by pretending otherwise. Please do not call again." She snaps, shutting the phone with trembling fingers. Ziva puts a hand to her mouth and begins to cry, eyes open and afraid.

"Baby, what happened?" Tony asks, curling up to her side. "What did he say?"

"What if she hates me? I mean, what is there to like? I'm just some damaged woman who was stupid enough to sleep with her boyfriend too young! I'm not anything to her!"

Tony's heart broke a little and he pulled her close. "Don't say that. You are the woman who gave her life. And she wanted to meet you, remember? You are not nothing. You're her birth mother, and the love of my life. Don't self deprecate just because Eli can't recognize what a gift you are."

She shakes her head into his chest and sobs brokenly, her breath hitching. "I love you." He whispers in her ear.

"I love you too."

...

_Ziva sits on the tile floor of the bathroom in their small Tel Aviv apartment, eyes closed, heart pounding. The clock on the wall makes a soft clicking noise, signaling the passage of another minute. The final minute. Ziva opens her eyes warily, and gingerly picks up the pregnancy year between her thumb and pointer finger as if it is contaminated, and looks down. A tiny pink plus sign stares back at her, mocking her. _

_"Shit." She breathes, and lets her head fall hard back against the wall, tears streaming down her face. Eli was going to kill her. She curls up in a ball and wishes for her mother in a way she has not in years._


	4. Chapter 4

**I love you all. I'm sorry this took so long- at first it wouldn't cooperate, and when it did, I had no time. XO. Leave a review on the way out, folks. **

Chapter 4

"_In the flickering light we were laughing. _

_Necessity conquers fear._

_Don't lose yourself. _

_Don't let yourself be lost."_

_Laura Viers, Don't Lose Yourself_

La Guardia International airport is a buzz of activity, filled with reunions and separations. Ziva grips Ton's hand tightly and they head over to the luggage carousel, where Chana said she would be waiting.

Ziva's heart is beating in her throat- she feels nauseated, beyond anxious. "Hey." Tony says as they approach their destination. "I love you. Don't forget that." Ziva nods and cranes her neck around the throng of people, searching.

"Ziva! Over here!" She whips her head around towards the noise to find a slightly older, but no less beautiful version of Chana Goldman calling to her. By her side is a petite girl with wild curls and big brown eyes filled with nerves and excitement. They mirror her own. Ziva practically runs over to the pair and kneels down in front of her daughter.

"Sarah." She breathes, tentatively reaching out to tuck an errant curl behind her ear. "Hello, n'sicha."

"Hi." Sarah replies, taking Ziva's hand in hers.

Her lip trembles and years of pent up emotion seem to overflow in the few seconds of meeting her baby. They reach for each other at the same time, and it feels warm and wonderful and oh so right. Sarah is gripping her shirt with her delicate fingers and Ziva plays with the curls at the back of her neck.

When they break apart, Ziva puts her hand on Sarah's shoulders and studies her face.

"You are so big and grown up." She whispers.

Sarah smiles shyly and shakes her head. "Ema still doesn't let me walk by myself places- not even school."

Ziva's heart breaks upon hearing her use those words to describe Chana. She expected this, yes, but that doesn't make it any easier. She's fading, retreating, she can feel it, and is grateful when Tony puts a hand on her shoulder to bring her back.

Ziva stands up, but Sarah stays close by, so that her arm brushes Ziva's hip.

"Look at you!" Chana exclaims. "You are so beautiful and confident! Not the little girl who used to run naked down the hallway!" They embrace, a tight, friendly hug.

"Thank you." Chana whispers in her ear before the break apart.

"And who is this man?" She asks, eyebrows raised suggestively.

"This is Tony, my fiancée." Ziva introduces.

"A catch, I can tell." Chana decides, kissing both of Tony's cheeks. "Your mother would be kvelling, I know it."

Tony grins. "It is so good to meet someone who can spill secrets about Ziva's childhood."

...

Their apartment on the Upper East Side is warm and beautiful. It is tastefully decorated with dark wood and deep red rugs, oversized couches and a fireplace. It is larger than Ziva remembers her childhood home to be- perhaps even bigger than both of their old apartments combined.

"Let me show you my room." Sarah says, taking Ziva's hand and leading her down a hallway lined with pictures.

Her room is bright and sunny, overlooking Central Park. The windows are big, and the walls are painted a delicate, robins egg blue. Sarah's bed is covered in a heavy looking lilac duvet and big pillows, her books strewn across the hardwood floor. There are photos of Sarah and her parents, Sarah and friends on the beach, grinning in matching pink bikinis. There's a tiny frame on her bedside that Ziva leans in to see and gasps. It is a picture of her around age 16, and the fullness of her cheeks tells her she was pregnant with Sarah when the photo was taken. She is laughing, and Ziva vaguely remembers Chana taking the picture at Tali's thirteenth birthday party. There is a little frosting on the corner of her mouth, and even though she's smiling, Ziva recognizes the red, puffy eyes that tell her she had been crying.

"Ema and Abba gave this to me last year." Sarah explained.

"I am glad you had a picture of me." Ziva replied, feeling a rush of humiliation wash over her. Sarah always knew what she looked like, but Ziva had been forced to imagine the dark eyes and cupids bow lips. Maybe if she had fought Eli harder...

Sarah put a cool, comforting hand on her shoulder.

...

Dinner was lovely. Isaac and Tony got along like old friends, and everyone's laughter could be heard reverberating throughout the apartment. Sarah's personality was infectious- she was well spoken, witty, a little shy and lit up the room when she smiled. Ziva was happier than ever, yet she almost felt defeated. She was experiencing something magical that she could never call hers.

So when she and Tony retreated to the guest room, she fell into his arms and sobbed, great gulping breaths, her body heaving with the force of her emotions. He simply held her close and shushed her, kissing her brow and running calming fingers through her hair. When she calmed down, runny nosed an exhausted, Ziva finally voiced what she had been thinking since the plane landed.

"I love her. She is mine, and yet I cannot have her."

...

_Eli sits on the couch, smoking a cigarette and eyeing her warily. She sits on the chair across from him, her heart beating in time with the clenching and unclenching of her stomach. _

_"What is this, Ziva?" He finally asks, bored of waiting. She gulps and mumbles. He frowns. _

_"You must speak up." _

_Ziva shakes her head, tears forming at the corners of her eyes. " I am pregnant." _

_There is a tense silence. Eli's expression is unreadable, but she can see his nostrils flaring, jaw tight with anger. After what seems like an eternity, he stands up, walks over to her and smacks her across the face. "Slut. How could you be so careless?" He whispers venomously. Ziva opens her mouth, cheek throbbing. "I-" she begins, but Eli shakes his head. "Do not speak to me. I am disgusted with you." He storms out of the apartment, slamming the door. Ziva sinks to the floor on trembling legs, beyond tears. _


	5. Chapter 5

**You are all the bestest. I think AP Government and Politcs is trying to keep us apart, but I promise to keep updating. (There should be more of Electrolite in the near future). Please review. XO. **

Chapter 5

_"I will be rocks, I will be water._

_I will leave this to my daughter:_

_'lift your head up in the wind."_

_-Deb Talan, Rocks and Water._

Ziva was up early, restless and agitated. She hadn't slept well, dreaming almost feverishly, hearing Sarah's screams as she was bloodied by Saleem, Ziva unable to save her. She woke in a cold sweat, needing fresh air. Tony slept on, snoring softy. She slipped into warm running gear and padded into the kitchen.

"Hi." A quiet voice greeted, and Ziva started.

"Hello shaifeleh." She responded, and joined Sarah on the couch. Sarah wore fading pink pajamas, and fuzzy blue socks. "What are you doing up so early?" The sun had barely risen above the sky scrapers, pale light shining on their feet.

She shrugged. "I don't sleep late."

Ziva nodded. "Neither do I."

Sarah scoots closer so their thighs are touching.

"I have an idea." Sarah decides, turning to face her. "Do you like Pancakes?"

...

An hour later, breakfast was ready. They'd worked side by side, cutting fruit and stirring the mix, flour in their hair. They giggled, and made personalized letter pancakes. Tony joined in towards the end, a calming anchor.

Chana and Isaac stepped into the kitchen, and Sarah hurried over to greet them.

"Boker Tov! We made pancakes!" She announces, pulling her father by the hand.

"These look delicious." Isaac says appreciatively, ruffling Sarah's hair.

He kisses Ziva's cheek and sneaks a strawberry, causing Sarah to smack his hand away. "Not yet. You have to sit down first."

They sat around the mohagany kitchen table, a beautiful little mis matched family.

"So Ziva- how is little Tali? She must be what? Twenty five, twenty six now?" Isaac asked congenially.

Ziva's heart dropped, sadness creeping into the corners of her eyes. She could feel her face pale, and Tony reached for her hand and squeezed, a silent show of support.

"She, uh, passed away. About nine years ago." Ziva muttered, looking at her plate, not wanting to see the pitying and guilty looks she could feel being directed at her.

"I am so sorry- I had no idea! May she rest in peace." Isaac apologized.

Chana shook her head, obviously deeply troubled. "Such a good girl. You were so close to her- you had a special bond."

"Special." Ziva echoed, her voice hollow.

"I think that when people go to heaven, they watch over us through the stars." Sarah interjected, looking to Ziva for approval.

Ziva smiled slightly. "I like that thought. It is very wise of you to think that way."

She looked down at her plate and took a deep breath of composure and pushed her plate away. She was no longer hungry.

"Ema, can we go I've skating today?" Sarah asked, obviously trying to change the subject.

Chana nodded. "Sure. Is that all right with you?"

"Yes- but I have never been. You will have to teach me, tatelah."

Sarah looked incredulous. "Never? Like not even once?"

"Not even once."

"We have a lot of work to do." Sarah said decidedly.

Ziva chuckled. "I suppose we do."

...

Ziva took a tentative step onto the ice, Tony holding onto her left hand, and Sarah her right.

"Just push in a smooth motion." Sarah coached as Ziva began to try and take clumsy steps. The wind whipped around them, leaving their cheeks red and chapped.

Ziva moved forward, and her skate caught on an uneven piece of ice and toppled backwards, landing flat on her butt.

Sarah and Tony kneel beside her.

"You okay?" Tony asks, a hand in her back.

Ziva looks at Sarah, who looks positively stricken and begins to laugh, long and loud.

"I am fine! I was just surprised!"

Sarah grins and puts a gloved hand over her mouth.

"Your face was priceless." She admits, brown eyes sparkling.

...

Later that night, Sarah catches Ziva getting ready for bed.

"Are you mad at Abba?" She asks, sitting on the powder stool.

Ziva frowns and kneels next to her.

"No. Why would I be?"

"He talked about your sister, and when he said it, you just looked so sad, like you wanted to disappear."

Ziva smiles sadly. "It is hard to hear and talk about my sister, tatelah, but I am not upset he brought her up. Your father had no way of knowing she had passed away."

Sarah looks pensive and takes a deep breath.

"Do you think she would have liked me?"

Ziva's eyes and throat burn. "She would have loved you, n'sicha. You remind me a lot of her. You have her... Spunk, yes? And her compassion."

Sarah nods, still unfinished. "I think a lot about what it would be like if you hadn't given me to Ema and Abba."

"I do too, motek. All the time."

...

_"And there's your baby." The ultrasound technician says kindly, and Ziva tears up at the peanut sized blob on the screen. The heartbeat is low and strong, and she feels a sense of peace wash over her. _

_"My baby." She mummers, happy._


	6. Chapter 6

**Sorry for the wait, kind readers. You are all the best. Leave a review on your way out the door, por favor? XO**

Chapter 6

"_We will run and scream_

_You will dance with me_

_We'll fulfill our dreams and we'll be free."_

_Mumford and Sons, Not With Haste_

The sanctuary of the Park Avenue Synagogue is beautiful, mid morning light filtering through the ornate stained glass, casting warm rays on the elegant bema. Tony fits in perfectly, handsome in his well-tailored suit and yarmulke. They walk down the aisles hand in hand, Ziva's stomach uneasy, her palms sweaty. Chana sees them and waves them over to the front row.

"You both look beautiful!" She exclaims, kissing their cheeks. "Sarah requested that you sit up front. These are my parents, Saul and Goldie Levy."

"Shabbat Shalom." Ziva says kindly, extending a trembling hand to Goldie. She takes it in hers, and hugs her tightly. "Shabbat Shalom! Oh, you are so beautiful! Those eyes! Oy! Saul! Look at her eyes! They look just like Sarah's!" Saul nods, his brown eyes sparkling with mischief and dull from the horrors he encountered in Auschwitz.

"Shabbat Shalom." He says gruffly, and pulls her in for a sideways hug.

"And who is this?" Goldie asks appreciatively, eyebrows raised at Tony.

"Tony DiNozzo. A pleasure." He replies, his winning smile wide and genuine.

"The pleasure is all mine, young man. Look at you! An Italian! I like Italians- always handsome- and good eaters too! Ziva, is this your husband?"  
"Fiancé" She corrects, taking his hand in hers.

"Mazel Tov! You two are perfect for each other- I can tell. Don't you think, Saul?"

Saul winks. "Oh yeah".

"Be good ma." Chana interrupts. "Its time for the service to start."

The next few hours are a blur. Sarah does beautifully, her voice filling the room with the prayers of Ziva's childhood. She looks stunning too, her curls free about her face, her eyes bright, beaming. Ziva feels proud, sad, and resentful all at once. She is being taunted by what could have been, all the time she could have spent raising her daughter, milestones she can never get back. She realizes she doesn't know what her first word was, how old she was when she took her first steps, not even how her baby voice sounded as it called for Ema over the monitor. She takes yoga breaths to calm herself, but it does nothing to control the oppressive cloud of grief that has settled over her heart.

…..

_Ziva stumbles up the steps of her building, tears gliding down her face. School is hard- people whisper and call names. There are rumors spiraling, but nobody has bothered to ask her what really happened. Gabriel is somewhat of a hero, while she is a leper. He says she's lying about it being his baby, and everyone believes him. 'Attention seeking whore'. Rebecca Klein whispered as they partnered up for a chemistry lab that afternoon. Tali is her only supporter, but she is only twelve-too young to truly understand the ways of the world. Eli does not speak to her anymore, unless to shame her in front of their neighbors. Chana Goldman has called her to 'check up on her', but she does not call her back. Perhaps she will move to Haifa when the baby is born. They can live together in a small apartment by the sea, and start a new life. Maybe she will even take Tali with her, and the three of them will be free from Eli. But Ziva knows that is impossible. _


	7. Chapter 7

**I hope you are all still enjoying this- I only got one review for the last chapter- and this one might be my favorite so far, so I hope you all enjoy. XO**

Chapter 7

_"Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light. _

_You'll come back when it's over_

_No need to say goodbye." _

_Regina Spektor, The Call_

La Guardia International airport is still crowded five days later. There are the wailing babies and the tabloid magazines and the irritating woman who keeps coming over the intercom, reminding them to watch their luggage at all times.

Ziva and Sarah are holding hands, huddled in a private corner just before the security checkpoint.

Sarah's bottom lip is quivering, and Ziva has to fight hard to maintain self-control. Sarah needed her to be strong. 'This is what it means to be a mother.' Ziva thinks dully, sniffling hard and looking her daughter in the eye.

"I am so proud of you, tatelah. You are so strong and beautiful and you did so well. I- I love you very much." Ziva says shakily, wiping a stray tear from Sarah's cheek.

Sarah bites her lip. "I don't really want you to go." She whispers.

Ziva's heart breaks into a million little pieces. She does not want to leave Sarah either- but there is no choice.

"Oh, motek. I have to go, you know this. But you know you can call me whenever you need- day or night. And you are visiting me this summer. We will spend time at the beach, and then you will be a bridesmaid in my wedding."

They are both crying quietly now, big fat tears rolling down their cheeks.

"It's weird. It's like, I only met you a week ago, but I feel like I've known you forever, and now I'm going to miss you and summer is a long way away..." Sarah blubbers.

Ziva's face falls and she pulls Sarah in for a tight hug. "I know, n'sicha. This is very hard for both of us. I am going to miss you with all of my heart. But I promise that now matter how far apart we are, I am always here for you. And you have your parents, who love you more than you can ever know." She whispers into her daughter's hair. "And I love you."

...

"Hello Gibbs," Ziva whispers as she pads down his basement steps, careful to avoid looking at the shadow of a bloodstain that Ari left there.

"Ziver." He acknowledged, pouring her a finger of bourbon. "How ya doin?"

She takes the glass and swallows the drink in one long swig. "I brought you a picture." She avoids, holding out an extra copy of the photograph of her and Sarah. They are smiling genuinely, eyes bright, arms around one another.

Gibbs examines the picture for a long minute. "She's beautiful." He comments, placing it next to the picture of Kelly he keeps on his worktop.

"She is smart, kind, empathetic... She is everything I am not, Gibbs. And I had nothing to do with making her into the beautiful girl she is today."

He shakes his head. "Ziver, you're all those things. And maybe you didn't raise her, but you sure as hell set her up for success."

Ziva ponders that for a moment, pouring herself a healthy serving of bourbon.

"Eli made me give her up." She blurts. "I wanted to keep her, but... He would not let me. He shamed me throughout my entire pregnancy, would throw away the supplies I bought with the money I made waiting tables at a local cafe."

Gibbs gut churned at the thought of a determined, teenaged Ziva, pregnant and drawn, carrying plates from one table to the other, counting tips and buying cribs, only to have them destroyed by Eli.

Gibbs pulled her in for a strong hug. "You are so loved, Ziver. We're all here for you."

...

"Hey." Tony greets quietly as she enters their condo. He's sitting on the couch with the TV turned on low to ESPN.

"I thought you were asleep." Ziva whispers, plopping down next to him. "It is very late."

"I could say the same for you. Where were you?"

"Gibbs." She admits. "I had some things I needed to talk about."

"Care to share?" He lopes a strong arm around her shoulder. She leans her head into his shoulder, comforted.

"He knows what it is like to want something you cannot have- something that should be yours."

There is a comfortable silence. "I know you miss Sarah. I miss her too- she's a great kid, and I can't stop thinking about how great it would be to have her here with us. But she's not, Zi. And there has to come a point where you move on and focus on what you have right in front of you. You can talk on the phone all you want, and she's going to be here this summer."

"That is not enough. I did not ask for this."

"I know the pregnancy was an accident-"

"No. I mean, it was, but I wanted to keep Sarah. Eli made the choice to give her up for me. I had to have a C- section, and he made the arrangements while I was sleeping. I had... Maybe ten minutes with her before he barged in and took her away and I... I could not..." She begins to cry again, overwhelmed with memories and regrets. Tony pulls her close and whispers nonsense in her hair.

She calms down eventually, sniffling and breathing heavily. "When I was in Somalia... I thought I was going to die. And all I could think was that I was never going to meet her. That everything bad in my life was done essentially through my fathers hand, and I would die the way I came into the world- controlled."

"But you didn't die, and you met her. You're here, and Zi, you're free."

"Free." The word feels strange on her tongue, light and heavy at the same time.

"I love you, Ziva. I want to start a family with you."

Her heart stops momentarily, unsure of how to proceed. Yes, she wants to be a mother, to have children of her own. But what about Sarah? Will she be able to raise a child without comparing them to her? Will she be angry? But she knows in her heart of hearts that she and Tony deserve this. "I do too." She whispers. "I love you."

...

_Ziva awakes with a start, her heart beating in her throat. At first, she couldn't tell what had woken her, but the wetness of her pajama pants gave her a clue. She breathes in sharply as a pain like she has never experienced grips her stomach. _

_"Shit." She breathes, knuckles white as she squeezes the blanket between her fingers. _

_It takes a moment for her to heave herself out of bed, her ankles swollen and sore as she pads quietly down the hall. She doesn't want to wake Eli, but she would have no other ride to the hospital. _

_The light is on under the door when she approaches, so she knocks lightly. _

_"Enter." He commands, and she creeps in. _

_"I am in labor." She whispers, voice shaking. _

_He raises his eyebrows skeptically. "And?" He drawls, putting down his newspaper._

_"I need a ride to the hospital." She replies, practically begging. _

_He sighs exasperatedly, flicking the cigarette held between his pointer and middle fingers. _

_"It is late, Ziva, and I had a long day at work. You will need to find a ride there." _

_Her bottom lip trembles and her eyes sting with unshed tears, but she simply turns away from the door, wakes Tali, and together they head over to the Goldman's. _

_"Is there anyone I can call for you?" Chana asks as they get in the car, Ziva gripping Tali's hand tightly as another contraction hits. "No." _


	8. Chapter 8

**You all astounded me with the positive response to the last chapter. I love you all, readers. Let's keep it up? As always, enjoy. XO**

Chapter 8

_"I see a mountain, the wind is a crazy man _

_Saying no 'you can't' _

_But I know once I get up there _

_Gone my sorrow be gone, _

_My sorrow be gone, oh away"_

_Gemma Hayes, Sorrow Be Gone_

"Agent David." Director Vance calls from the landing above. "Your father is in MTAC for you."

Ziva's heart stops momentarily. Tony and Gibbs are out chasing a lead, while she and McGee search the victim's military and financial records. She does not want to speak to her father, let alone see him, not without Tony or Gibbs, but she does not have a choice.

She walks up the stairs numbly, thinking of what Sarah's voice sounded like as she read from the Torah last week, all shy and whole and warm.

Eli is leaning back in his favorite easy chair behind his desk, cigar planted firmly between his lips. He sits up when he sees her enter the darkened room.

"Director." She greets, voice cold and measured. Her eyes are fire, but she feels clammy and ill.

"Ziva. Why so formal?"

"What can I do for you, director?" She reiterates, struggling to remain professional so that she can keep a semblance of control.

He shakes his head, but puts on his glasses and picks up a file.

"Our sources tell us that a Hamas sleeper cell in D.C has been reactivated. I thought I should inform your agency of this before you were caught by surprise."

Ziva furrows her brow. "You did not have to call a teleconference for that- and you could have simply told Director Vance this. You had no reason to call me personally."

"No reason? Ziva, you are my daughter. I have every right to call you to a meeting whenever I see fit."

She blows out a frustrated breath and runs a hand through her curls.

"I will pass the Intel onto Director Vance. Thank you." She turns on her heel to leave, but he stops her from thousands of miles away.

"Do not walk away from me, Ziva. I am not finished." He chastises, voice low, angry and condescending. "I know you visited Sarah Goldman against my wishes."

Ziva's face burns with anger and embarrassment. The young tech looks away, and Ziva takes a deep, shuddering breath.

"I am twenty eight years old, papa. I have been making my own decisions for years. I saw Sarah, but it had absolutely nothing to do with you. I would appreciate it if you stopped bringing it up."

Eli's nostrils flare, eyes vicious.

"You are getting distracted, Ziva. Weak. I will put an end to this."

"You will do nothing of the sort." Ziva spits back, suddenly very lonely and very protective. "Please leave me and Sarah alone. Goodbye."

She quickly makes the signal to cut the feed before he can respond, and storms out of MTAC, her heart beating an anxious staccato in her chest.

"You okay?" McGee asks as she sits back down at her desk, clumsy and trembling fingers struggling to open her water bottle.

"Fine." She whispers, blinking back tears.

"Seriously. What happened?" He asks kindly, coming over to put a hand on her shoulder. "You're trembling." He muses, worried.

Ziva takes a deep breath to calm herself and looks McGee in the eye. He has grown up, she realizes then, but he is still the sweet, loyal brother who welcomed her to America when no one else would.

"Is there a way to block a number on my cell phone?" She asks bravely, chewing on her lower lip.

McGee frowns, forehead crinkling. "Uh, yea. Just write down the number and give me a few minutes."

"Thank you Tim." She whispers, grateful. He stands, knees groaning, and walks back to his desk.

Ziva rubs her temples, a headache blooming behind her eyes.

"Hey Ziva." McGee calls softly. Ziva opens her eyes and looks at him, young and open faced. "It's going to be ok."

She smiles softly, hopefully.

...

"And that's when the we realized it was just a bird." Sarah gushes, finishing her story about a rogue pigeon. Ziva can hear her smile across the line, and it lifts her spirits.

"That is very funny, tatelah. Did you know that when I was in Russia many years ago, I thought I saw a yeti?"

"Was it?"

Ziva smiles at her childish innocence and stirs the stew in the pot.

"No. It was just snowing so hard I could not see very well, and a pile of snow looked like a yeti to me, I suppose."

"That's a hallucination." Sarah confirms, and Ziva can hear papers shuffle across the line. "Hey Ziva?" She asks quietly.

"Yes, n'sicha?"

"For school, we're doing a family tree. Can I put you on?"

Her eyes tear up and she takes a steadying breath. Images of Sarah spreading poster board and markers across Ziva's kitchen table, her jacket slung across the couch, Ziva leaning over her daughters head to guide her in the timeline of David family history.

"Of course. I would be honored. Do you need to know anything special?"

"When and where were you born?"

"November 12th, 1982 in Tel Aviv, Israel."

"What are your parents names?"

Ziva takes a deep breath. "Rivka and Eli David."

"What do you do now… Oh wait, I know that one! You're a federal agent with NCIS, right?"

Ziva smiles a little, comfortable with this line of questioning. "Yes. You have a very good memory, motek."

"And I know you live in Washington D.C. That's all I need to know for the assignment."

Ziva turns the heat off under the stew and sits down gingerly in a kitchen chair.

"Would you like to ask anything else, n'sicha?"

There's a heavy silence. Ziva can tell Sarah is thinking hard about how to word her next question.

"I heard ema and abba talking about your dad. I wasn't supposed to be listening, but... They said they wished they had reported him. Did he treat you badly?"

Ziva can feel her cheeks burn and her head buzz.

"No, motek. My father was not a kind man, but you should not worry about that. I am an adult now, and do not live with him anymore."

"Ema was telling Abba that he lied to you about me. Is that true?" Her voice is soft, sad and baby-ish.

Ziva purses her lips and looks at the ceiling fan, collecting dust.

"He did. But that does not mean that I am not happy you have your ema and abba. You could not have better parents."

"Did you want to keep me?"

Grief sets its heavy stone in her chest once again. "Truthfully, shaifeleh? I did. But I was very young and confused- I think that in the end, it is better that your ema and abba adopted you- I could not have raised you or provided for you as they have."

"Oh." Sarah whispers, and Ziva hears a tell tale sniffle. "I feel guilty for missing you and loving my parents sometimes. Is that weird?"

"No." Ziva breathes, wiping at her eyes. "As you said, they're your parents. They love you very much. Just because you miss me does not mean you love them any less."

"Good." Sarah breathes, obviously comforted. Ziva hears Isaac call that dinner is ready in the background.

"I have to go. Love you." Sarah gushes.

"I love you too, n'sicha. Have a good night."

Sarah hands up and Ziva feels dull, lonely. Tony is picking up his mustang at the mechanics, and the house feels quiet and utterly sad without him on the couch, or Sarah's voice on the other end of the telephone line. Ziva looks at the clock- 6:42. She wants him to come home so she can tell him about her day, so they can watch a movie and snuggle on the couch together, her head taking residence on his strong shoulder.

...

_Ziva leans forward and bears down on the nurse's hand. "Breath through it." She coaches, her fat, calloused hand supporting her aching back. When the contraction subsides, she leans back on the pillow and struggles to catch her breath. It has been twenty hours since her water broke, and she is only five centimeters dilated. The nurse wipes a cool compress over her sweaty brow and Ziva closes her eyes and wishes desperately for her mother. _

_The doctor says things to her she is supposed to understand but she is too tired to, and before she can protest, she is wheeled away to an operating room. It is hard to focus and the lights are hazy and she can't feel anything below her chest and then the doctor is holding up a small red baby that is screaming. "It's a girl!" He announces, and Ziva can no longer keep the tears of pent up emotions at bay because her daughter is beautiful and has tiny hands that curl and long dark lashes. _

"_Welcome, motek, I have waited so long to meet you." She whispers in her daughter's seashell ear. "Your ema loves you."_


	9. Chapter 9

**Sorry for such a quick turn around here, folks. As hurricane Sandy heads my way, I don't know how long I'll be out of power, and I wanted to get this up for you guys before I am plunged into the darkness ;)Thank you all for your kindness. Xo a million times. Review. **

Chapter 9

_"So give me hope in the darkness that I will see the light_

_Cause oh that gave me such a fright_

_But I will hold on as long as you like_

_Just promise me that we'll be all right_

_But the ghosts that we knew will flicker from you_

_And we'll live a long life"_

_Mumford and Sons, Ghosts That We Knew_

"Aren't you excited?!" Abby squealed as Ziva slid into the passenger seat of her best friends hearse, her breath making tiny puffs in the cold air.

"Yes- I suppose I am." She replied, buckling in. She took one last look out the window where Tony was standing on the steps to their condo, waving.

"Oh, this is going to be so fun! I'm so happy you guys are getting married! I always knew you'd end up together!" Abby continued to talk at lighting speed, and it calmed some of Ziva's nerves. Going dress shopping was not something she had looked forward to at all, but Abby had convinced her it was a necessary evil.

"So?" Abby pried, pulling her put of her reverie.

"I'm sorry, what did you say?" Ziva asked, blushing.

"I said, we're here." Ziva looked up at the small, elegant boutique. "Oh." Was all she could muster, but they climbed out of the car. Abby loped a long arm through hers as they trudged through the snow. "Loosen up. Lets have fun, ok?"

"Okay." Ziva agreed, and they entered. It was warm inside, and smelled distinctly like Chanel no 5, the perfume her mother used to wear. This put her at ease as Abby approached the woman at the counter. They began to look at the racks, and Ziva became instantly overwhelmed. Frills and lace and puffy skirts and flowers were not her thing. Abby could sense her change in mood and put a hand on her shoulder. "It's a lot, huh?" She asked kindly, smiling softly.

Ziva nodded. "Yes. I have never been good at shopping and this is... Not familiar to me. I do not know where to start."

"Well," Abby drawled. "What do you have in mind? Have you looked at any pictures?"

Ziva closed her eyes and thought about her own mothers wedding dress. Lace sleeves and a tight bodice, a full skirt that flowed at the waist. Initially she had thought about asking Eli for it, but had been informed by her Aunt Nettie that he had thrown it away years ago.

"Something simple, perhaps? Nothing too fancy, but-"

"Still elegant. Got it. Here- why don't you sit down and I'll pull a few things for you?"

Ziva looked at her skeptically. Abby smirked. "I know, no spikes or skeletons or black dresses. I'll be good, I promise."

Ziva sat down and thought about the oddity of this situation. Even as a little girl, she never saw herself settling down, getting married. Perhaps it was because she associated her own parents crumbling marriage with the institution as whole. As they would yell and accuse and point fingers, Ziva would huddle under the covers of her bed with Tali wrapped around her, a cocoon of peace in a household at war. But here she was, picking out a wedding dress in a fancy boutique in Georgetown without her mother, sister or daughter.

"Ready to try these on?" Abby asked excitedly, interrupting her daydream.

"Yes." Ziva said dazedly, and they followed the attendant to a back room.

The attendant was an older woman with gray hair, bright blue eyes and a kind smile.

"Would you like me or your friend to help you into a dress?" She asked, her long red fingernails tap tap tapping the doorframe. Ziva gulped. She didn't like people to see her naked, or close to it. Her body bore scars from years of battle and torture, and it made her very self-conscious. Her back was the worst, littered with the faded marks of cuts and stabs and whips and cigarettes. "I'll be fine." She decided and headed into the stall, head down.

The first few picks were beautiful, but not her. They didn't fit right and she felt plain, vulnerable even in such exquisite clothing.

"Try this next." Abby ordered, pointing to a hanger.

As she zipped it up, Ziva began to smile appreciatively. It was strapless, with delicate, lacy fabric and a silky, crème colored sash. It flowed just enough to give it body, but not too much to swallow her petite frame. She could feel tears forming as she walked out of the dressing room to where Abby was waiting. Her face lit up, and she began to cry too.

"Oh Ziva! You look... Stunning! Like a real beautiful bride!" She gushed, rushing forward to embrace her. "This is it. You have to get it. Tony's going to faint at the altar."

Ziva grins wide and looks at herself in the full-length mirror. She feels good about her body for the first time in years, and she can just see herself in this on her wedding day.

...

A thousand dollars, a glass of champagne and a hearse ride later, Ziva turns her key in the lock to find Tony on the couch, feet on the coffee table.

"Hey sweet cheeks!" He called, jumping up to kiss her on the mouth. "Did you find anything?"

She smiles. "Yes. And you cannot see it, so don't even ask. It's at the tailors."

He sticks out his bottom lip in a pout.

"Please?"

"Nope."

"Not even if I do the dishes and my laundry?"

She laughs. "Not even then."

He huffs lightly. "Fine. Then you can't see my snake skin tux."

Ziva raises her eyebrows. "If you actually wore that to the wedding, you know I would kill you on the spot."

"You don't want to show Sarah that kind of violence." He teases, but her face falls, heart heavy.

"No. I am glad she was raised away from all the violence I experienced as a child. It would not have been healthy." She wavers candidly. They plop back down on the couch and Ziva rests her head on his chest and wraps an arm around his waist. They sit in comfortable, warm silence for a few minutes, breathing deeply.

"Where should we go for our honeymoon?" He asks, kissing the top of her head. He wants to lighten the mood, lift her spirits.

She looks up at him. "Someplace warm and tropical and secluded."

"So Hawaii? Fiji? Or the Virgin Islands?"

"Let's go somewhere neither of us have ever been." She decides.

"Well I've been to Hawaii, but you might not want to count that out. It's really beautiful."

Ziva thinks about this, but shakes her head. "Everyone goes to Hawaii for their honeymoon. We can go another time."

"Okay." He agrees easily, happy at the thought of traveling all over the world with his wife to be.

"Let's go to Fiji." She decides. "It sounds lovely."

Tony grins. "I can live with that. Should we be nudists?"

Ziva jabs him lightly in the stomach with her elbow. "No thank you. I think we should lie on the beach and get massages and drink tropical drinks."

"Even better. But there will be some nudity, right...?"

"You are disgusting." She laughs. For the first time in months, years even, she feels hopeful and free.

"But you love me."

She sighs dramatically, and kisses him. "Yes. I love you very much."

"Okay, then don't get mad at me for this, but… I don't think it's so healthy for you to be talking on the phone with Sarah every day. For either of you. I mean, not that you shouldn't talk to her at all, but every time after you talk to her you're sad and depressed and I just think both of you need space to process your new relationship. You've got to set boundaries, Zi."

She pulls away quickly and stands, breathing hard. Her eyes are fire and she feels vulnerable, betrayed even.

"Do not tell me what to do. I am her mother- I have a right to talk to her whenever I want-"

"But that's the point, Ziva. Chana's her mom. And she called me, telling me that she wanted to limit the calls to once a week." He stands up so they are eye to eye, his palms facing upwards.

Ziva shakes her head, sad and utterly lonely. "That is ridiculous. She has no right! I waited twelve long years to even know _my_ baby's name, and now she wants to take the relationship we are trying to rebuild away from me! And you! You should be ashamed of yourself, trying to help her keep Sarah away from me!" Her tone is acid, but her breathing is erratic as she fights tears and a panic attack.

"We're not trying to keep you away from her, but you need boundaries so you can both get on with your lives in a productive way! Chana says Sarah waits by the phone all afternoon and can't focus on her work!"

Ziva's nostrils flare, and her stomach flips as her heart clenches. "Are you calling me a bad influence?"

"No! I just-"

"Don't finish. I don't want to hear it." She decides, and shoves him hard back onto the couch, and runs out the door. She ignores him calling after her, and runs. She runs past the elementary school and the church and the stores and into the woods. It is sleeting now, but she can barely feel anything. Ziva shakes with the weight of her sobs, dropping to her knees and trying to gulp cold, harsh air into her burning lungs. She feels empty, betrayed, and utterly alone.  
"It's not fair!" She bellows, her words echoing off the trees. "It's not fair!"

She cries so hard she makes herself sick in the damp wood, heaving violently with the weight of her grief. She does not answer Tony's calls, simply shoves her phone back in her pocket and trudges back to the main road, dull and shivering. She does not want to go back home, or to Gibbs, or Abby's. She wants to curl up in bed with Sarah and read a book. She wants to laugh on the beach with Tali and hug her mother and tell Ari just how much he meant to her. She walks for hours, ignoring the throbbing in her fingertips and the wetness of her breathing rattling in her chest. And when she can walk to more, she lies down on a park bench and looks at the stars in the black sky.

…

_Ziva moans as she regains consciousness. Her throat is parched and her whole body aches, and her stomach is on fire. She pries her eyes open to find Eli standing at the end of her bed, watching her with disdain. Ziva's heart pounds and she looks for her baby. "Where is my daughter?" She croaks as she sees the plastic bassinet next to her bed is empty. _

"_I gave her up for adoption." He says simply, unimpressed. _

_Ziva's eyes widen in disbelief, her stomach twisting in knots. "You cant do that." She warbles, struggling amongst the pillows to sit up. _

"_I can, and I did. You are both better off without each other." _

"_Where is she!?" Ziva demands, frantic. _

_He shakes his head and opens the newspaper. _

"_Where is my daughter?" She cries again, louder this time. _

"_She is not yours." Eli says calmly, licking his finger to turn a page. _

_Her heart beats in her chest and she feels frantic, lost, ill. _

_Her cries and shouts summon the nurses. They have to restrain her to keep her in bed and someone pushes a needle into her IV and her eyelids droop. Grief and indignation and anger threaten to swallow her whole. _


	10. Chapter 10

**Yes, I'm alive, and power has been restored. Eight days without heat or running water is a long time, friends. But it gave me time to write, so that's good! Thank you all a trillion billion times for your love and support- I so appreciate it! Lets keep it up!**

Chapter 10

"_Sister don't let go_

_Sister don't let go of us_

_Cause your roots will rot away_

_And your fruit, it won't grow_

_Your bark will wear thin, body hollow." _

_Mumford and Sons, Sister_

The first thing Ziva becomes aware of is her breathing. Wet and labored, it sounds altogether gruesome. She begins to feel an overall dull ache, and her head begins to pound. She pries her eyes open, unsure.

"Hey." A familiar, quiet voice says, and a cool cloth brushes over her brow.

A fuzzy Tony is hovering above her, face drawn in worry and guilt. Suddenly it all comes rushing back, and she jerks away, hurt.

He ignores it and continues. "How do you feel?" He coos.

"Like shit." She admits, too worn and bitter out to put up her usual façade.

"You should. Gibbs and I found you in Rock Creek Park on a bench, soaking wet. You've been in and out for the past day- Ducky says you got yourself a nasty case of pneumonia."

She closes her eyes as she coughs harshly, a deep in her chest. When she recovers, she looks harshly at him.

"Please leave." She whispers.

Tony looks stricken, but recovers quickly.

"No can do. You're pretty sick."

"Leave. Now." She orders, turning away from him. He moves to the other side of the bed so he can see her. His face is open, remorseful.

"I am so, so sorry, Ziva. I truly am. I honestly didn't mean for that to come out the way it did. I should have realized how important your relationship with Sarah is. I talked to Chana, and they're willing to make a compromise- three days a week. But you have to realize that maybe a little space would be good for both of you. Please forgive me, Zi. I'm nothing without you. I love you so much and I will never forgive myself for hurting you so much." He's taken her clammy hands during his apology, and a lone tear makes its way out of his eye.

She grimaces. "It is not so easy, Tony. You are supposed to be on my side- always. And in that moment you and Chana were no better than my father who stole Sarah away from me in the first place. Chana should have called me directly, or you should have referred her to me. It was not right for her to go through you- for you both to attack me. I understand why they want to limit our phone calls, but my opinion needs to be heard. I am not just furniture to be talked over." Ziva labored, face red, her voice cracking.

"I know you're not furniture. You're my beautiful, brilliant and caring fiancé. I promise to never make you feel that way again, and I will never try to go behind your back. I am so sorry."

Ziva leaned her warm cheek against his forehead. "I love you, Tony. I do not want this to come between us."

"It won't." He promised. "I won't let it."

...

Ziva's fever rose, and then fell, leaving her weak and aching in her bedroom. She watched the cars pass by under her window, the girls with their uniforms altered as much as they could get by with, their sing song voices carrying through the glass. There were young mothers with pudgy toddlers balanced on their hips as they talked on their cell phones, fathers swinging little girls onto their shoulders. She convinced Tony to go back to work after a few days, needing time and space to process the change. She felt raw and shocked, unsure of how to proceed. Should she call Sarah, or wait for her call? What if Chana answered and told her to call back another day? Worse, what if Sarah didn't want to talk to her? Not knowing left a pit of anxiety in her stomach that she couldn't shake, her pounding head spinning.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore and pressed her cell phone to her ear and breathed as deep as her swollen lungs would allow.

"Hello?" Chana answered, and Ziva cursed under her breath.

"Hello, Chana. It is Ziva." She managed. She could hear dishes sloshing in the sink and Chana's breathing quicken. 'Good', she thought. 'She should be nervous.'

"Hi Ziva. How are you? You sound terrible!"

"I have a touch of pneumonia, but I am fine. I would like to talk to you about the phone arrangement."

"Of course." Chana agreed, and Ziva could hear her pull a chair out. "I just want to say that I never meant to hurt you. I went about it the wrong way, and I apologize for that. Isaac and I want you to be a part of Sarah's life- you both deserve that. But we have noticed that the every day phone calls are getting distracting, and that maybe a little space would do her good. Sarah doesn't play with friends after school anymore, she just comes home to wait by the phone. She's getting confused about her position in the family. I think calls on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays would create a good sense of structure for her."

Ziva takes a moment to breath, vision clouded by tears. "Ok." She agrees shakily, knowing that in the end, Chana has the final say.

"We still want her to spend a week this summer with you and Tony before the wedding! I'm not doing this to block you out, I promise. I would never do that to you, or Sarah. She was so upset when I proposed one call a week that I realized how important your conversations are."

"Well, I am glad we have come to an agreement." Ziva manages, a bit robotically. She frowned. It was a Monday, but she wanted to hear Sarah's voice.

"She's at ballet." Chana supplied, hearing Ziva's silent request. "I'll let her know you'll talk tomorrow, for as long as you both need."

Ziva felt awkward, a bit like a doll Sarah only played with every so often, her novelty wearing off.

"Alright. Have a good evening." She said, and hung up before Chana could return the gesture.

She napped restlessly for the rest of the day, exhausted but unable to relax. Her chest hurt, her head pounded, and her eyes began to tear. She heard the door open, and quiet feet pad up the stairs. She frowned, heart pounding until she saw Gibbs in the doorway, container of matzo ball soup from her favorite deli in the crook of his arm.

"Hey. How ya doin?" He asked, sitting down on the edge of the mattress.

"Okay." She sniffed, but her throat burned with unshed tears that she knew he could hear in her voice. Her bottom lip trembled and he clucked his tongue and smoothed her hair.

"Ziver, I know this is hard. I can't even imagine what you're going through. But the one thing I do know is that Sarah is alive and well and loves you dearly. Take advantage of that while you have the chance. Don't curl up in bed and hide- that's not doing anyone any good."

She ponders this for a moment, and sighs heavily.

"I promise I will try."

"That's all I wanted to hear."

...

_Tali greeted her at the door, face drawn and somber. She took Ziva's elbow and helped her up the stairs to their bedroom. Ziva felt dull, unsteady as she climbed into bed. _

"_I'm really sorry." Tali whispered. "Abba had no right to do that."_

_Ziva didn't answer- she couldn't. The burning lump in her throat was coming back, and so was the grief. It was all consuming as it ate away at her resolve. She knew her father had no right to take away her baby, but he had anyway. That was what made this so hard. _

"_Can I get you anything?" Tali asked, nervously wringing her hands. _

"_No." Ziva whispered, sniffling hard and closing her eyes. Maybe this was a nightmare, and when she woke up, she would feel the warmth of her baby's kick beneath her palm. _


	11. Chapter 11

**So sorry this took so long, dear readers! Busy doesn't even begin to cut it… but no matter! It's here now! Thank you all a bajillion million jillion times over for your love and support- you all keep me going! XO!**

Chapter 11

_You can stand there and agonize_

_Till your agony's your heaviest load."_

_Indigo Girls, Watershed_

Being back in the airport felt different this time. Now Ziva was waiting by the terminal, pacing as Tony leaned against the wall, sipping coffee as they watched the clock.

"They should have deplaned by now." She worried, chewing her lower lip between her teeth.

"You know air travel always takes longer than estimated. Stop pacing- you're making me dizzy."

She sighed hard and plunked down next to him, agitated. They waited in uneasy silence for a few minutes until a crowd of people started coming up the terminal, tired and aching under heavy carry ons. They stepped forward, craning their necks. Ziva saw her first, and just about crowed with happiness as he bounced up and down, waving like an excited child.

"Ziva!" Sarah cried, and pulled away from the young, attractive flight attendant to run into Ziva's waiting arms. She smelled like strawberries, and her arms wrapped tightly around her chest in a way that felt oh so right.

"Hello, shaifeleh. I have missed you so much." Ziva murmured into her curls. They broke apart, and Ziva smiled widely. "You have gotten so big!"

"Hey, kiddo." Tony greets, putting a hand on her shoulder. Sarah surprised him by hugging him full on, her arms wrapping around his waist. It feels good, and he remembered why he wants children of his own.

"Let's get going." He finally says, and he and Ziva each take one o Sarah's tiny, cool hands and walk out of the airport.

...

They sat at the dinner table, eating salad and grilled chicken. Sarah's eyelids were droopy with sleep, and her focus was wavering as she dragged her fork around her plate lazily. "I thought we would just have a quiet evening, and then tomorrow it would be nice if you met our friends. They're like family, and would very much like to meet you. We thought we'd have a barbecue." Ziva broached, pushing back a stray curl from her face. It was a motherly, familiar thing to do, she thought.

Sarah nodded. "That sounds like fun. Are we still going to do a day trip to the beach?"

Ziva grinned. "Yes. A few days from now. I am very excited."

"Me too." Sarah sniffed hard and pushed her plate back. "I'm really tired."

Tony and Ziva looked at each other. Sure, travel was exhausting, but they hadn't done much more than give her a tour of the condo and eat dinner on the patio, listening to the cicadas chirp chirp chirping.

"Are you all right?" Ziva asked, frowning. Sarah looked pale, a little drawn, nothing like the animated girl they'd known for the past few hours.

She nodded. "Yeah. I'm just tired. Can I go to sleep."

"Sure." Ziva replied, pushing down disappointment. She'd wanted to read on the couch together, their legs tangled under the bright summer moon.

"Night, Sar." Tony prompted, and kissed her cheek. She blushed, but turned to Ziva to lead the way. Ziva led her to the guest room that she and Tony had decorated specially for her- it would be hers whenever she visited. They repainted it sky blue and hung pictures from the walls, fluffy pillows resting on the white comforter.

Ziva waited while Sarah changed and brushed her teeth, toothpaste accidentally hitting the mirror.

"Goodnight, n'sicha. I love you." Ziva whispered, smoothing down her blankets. "Sleep well."

"Love you too." Sarah responded sincerely, but her gaze was elsewhere.

Ziva frowned but pulled the door most of the way shut and padded down to the living room, where Tony was lounging with his feet up on the coffee table, basketball game turned on low.

"Hey." He greeted, and kissed her sneakily on the cheek as she sat down.

"I do not think she is comfortable here." Ziva lamented.

Tony shrugged. "That's probably normal. First night in a new place can be scary, you know?"

Ziva shook her head, brushing frustrated tears from her eyes. "But I do not want this place to be unfamiliar. I want it to be home. If my father hadn't taken her against my wishes, that would be her room, her space. She'd be comfortable here with us because we would have raised her." Ziva's throat close with tight, hot indignation.

Tony sighed. "I know. It's hard. But that's not the way it turned out, and if you keep dwelling on the past, you won't be able to focus on the moment. She's here, Zi! She's ours for a whole week! And then We're going to get married and spend two glorious weeks in paradise."

She sniffled and lowered her head to his chest. "I know. You're right."

He perked up. "Wait- let me get the cam corder. I want to have that recorded for future reference." He said, grinning goofily. She hit him lightly and laughed. They watched them game in comfortable silence for a few minutes, fingers intertwined, until they heard loud sniffles and sobs. Ziva jumped up.

"That's your que, mama." Tony joked, flipping the channel to a rerun of West Wing.

Ziva bounded up the steps and opened the door to Sarah's room to find her huddled under the covers, crying into her pillow.

"Shaifeleh, what is the matter?" Ziva cooed, sitting down on the mattress to stroke her sweaty curls.

"I miss ema." She moaned, hiccupping. Ziva's heart broke and she had to fight hard to stamp down her jealousy to comfort her girl.

"I'm sorry you're homesick, motek. What can I do to help?"

Sarah sniffled hard and put her head on Ziva's leg, dampening her jeans with tears and snot.

"Can I call her to say goodnight?" She requested, sounding like a baby.

"Of course." Ziva replied, handing over her phone. "I'll go get you some water."

Ziva slipped out and quickly filled a glass with water, hand shaking. She could hear Sarah talking to Chana in rapid Hebrew, her voice thick with tears. She waited while they talked, and Ziva could hear Chana's soft voice, tinny and crackly over the line. They finally hung up, and Ziva came back in and kissed her warm forehead.

"Do you feel a little better?"

Sarah nodded. "Yeah. I feel like- I miss my mom, but I'm with you, an when I was home I missed you a lot. I wish I didn't have to only have one of you at a time."

Ziva could feel her resolve crumbling, and she left a lingering kiss on Sarah's brow.

"I know. I feel the same way."

...

Ziva sat back, satisfied as she watched Sarah, Abby and Tim engage in an animated conversation about the Harry Potter series. She was perched on Tony's knee, her purple t-shirt stained with ketchup. The sun was setting, and the summer air felt good and clean on her face. Gibbs sat down next to her and patted her shoulder.

"She's a great kid, Ziver. Reminds me of you."

Ziva nodded thoughtfully and watched as Sarah erupted in giggles as she and Tony and Abby made up new names Harry Potter themed nicknames for McGee. McWompingWillow. McMuggle. McGonangle made Sarah crack up.

"She is very sweet." Ziva aquiesed, a smile playing on her lips. This was what she had missed- endless summer nights spent laughing in the dusk, childish teasing and a family made out of friends with a living, breathing child at the center of it all.

She felt a weight being lifted off her chest as Sarah flashed a grin at her. Sarah loved her- maybe in a different way than she loved Chana, but in a real, true and passionate way. And that love was important. In that money, she found her significance in Sarah's life, and it brought tears to her eyes. Sarah looked back and jumped at Ziva's sudden change in emotion. She scrambled off Tony's lap and came to stand beside Ziva, hugging her sideways.

"Please don't cry." She whispered. "If you cry, I'll cry too!"

Ziva shook her head and pulled Sarah into her lap.

"Oh, my little shaifeleh. I love you so much. I am so happy you are here."

Sarah nodded against her hair. "Me too. I love you, Ziva."

They cuddled for a long moment until a flash interrupted them. Abby stood by sheepishly, wielding her phone.

"I couldn't resist!" She pleaded.

"That fine." Ziva decided. "I like candids best of all."

...

_Ziva awoke with a groan. There was an elephant on her chest, making it nearly impossible to breath. She struggled to a sitting position and winced. Her breasts were like marble, hard rocks filled beyond capacity. Her nightshirt was too tight around them, and she tugged it off, surprised when she noticed the wet spots where they had begun to leak. It hurt unlike anything she had ever felt, and she suddenly wished for her mother with a passion that filled her eyes with tears. It hurt, and she knew that if she had her baby here to nurse she'd be fine but her baby was out there in the world, far away from where she was supposed to be. This was cruel, she thought to herself as she considered what to do. This was a reminder that Eli had wronged her in the worst way possible, that it went against what was good and right to take her little girl from her. She padded downstairs and opened the freezer and took two ice packs. She turned to go back to her room when she ran into her father, wincing at the added pressure to her chest. He frowned and studied her for a long time, and she could feel her face grow hot with embarrassment. _

_"What are the ice packs for?" He finally asked. Ziva was dumbfounded. Couldn't he tell? She was just about busting out of her t-shirt. He raised his eyebrows as she opened and closed her mouth, stunned. _

_"I, uh. My milk came in." She whispered, humiliated. _

_He scoffed and grabbed them from her. "You do not need these. You are a soldier, a warrior. You should not be seeking solutions to such minor discomfort- it will teach you to be stronger if you wait it out." _

_Ziva felt like crying. She hurt so badly, and she didn't really want to be a soldier anymore. She wanted to be a mother. _


	12. Chapter 12

**This is it, folks. I honestly can't thank you enough for all your love and support- you rock! Be on the lookout for a sequel in the near future. Xoxo!**

Chapter 12

"_And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. _

_And love will not break your heart but dismiss your fears._

_Get over your hill and see what you find there, _

_With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair." _

_Mumford and Sons, After the Storm_

A tickling sensation woke Ziva early the morning of June 20th, and she startled awake to find Sarah snuggling up to her side, her hand brushing her cheek.

"Good morning, shaifeleh." She whispered, her voice raspy with sleep.

"Morning." She replied, yawning wide and long. "Happy almost wedding."

Ziva smiled slightly and closed her eyes, content. Today she was getting married. A sense of calm and joy washed over her as she listened to her daughters breathing deepened as she fell back into a deep sleep. The sun was rising, the sky erupting in bright orange light, and for a quiet moment she pondered what her mother would have thought if she could have been here. Rivka would have kissed her forehead and whispered sweet, quiet things in her ear, hopes for the future and good luck. She would have licked frosting off the cake when she thought no one was watching and danced barefoot in the grass. Maybe she would have cried as she watched her stubborn tomboy promise to love and cherish under the soft summer light. But her mother wasn't here. And that was okay. It made her sad beyond belief, but with that grief came a sense of calm in knowing that Rivka would have been so happy and oh so proud.

...

"Good morning sleeping beauty." Abby sing singed, and Ziva rolled over to find her standing over her, smile wide and genuine.

"What time is it?" She muttered, brushing sleep from her eyes.

"About 9:45."

Ziva sat up quickly, stuck among the twisted sheets. "Why did you let me sleep do late?" She asked, shocked. There was so much to do- tables to set, flowers to arrange, little lights to hang from the Chuppah Gibbs had built them as a wedding present.

"Don't worry! It'll all get done, and Sarah said you two stayed up late last night talking. You need to be well rested, Ziva!"

She smiled quietly pulled back the heavy duvet cover.

Abby wrung her hands and stood in Ziva's way before she could leave the room. "Just warning you, Sarah's on the phone with her mom right now. Apparently they landed a little while ago and are settling in at the hotel- they want to know of Sarah wants to stay with you or come with them until the wedding."

Ziva's heart skipped a beat. "And what did she say?"

"That she wanted to stay and help you get ready. Don't worry, Ziva. She's crazy about you. You're important to her."

Ziva nodded and padded down the steps, and placed a hand on Sarah's shoulder. She smiled up at her. "My mom wants to talk to you."

"Shalom." She greeted, keeping her tone light and friendly.

"Boker Tov, Ziva. How are you feeling this morning? Nervous? Excited?"

"Both, I guess." She admitted.

Chana laughed. "On the morning of our wedding, I was so nervous I threw up maybe ten minutes before I walked down the aisle."

Ziva grimaced. "But you are still happily married."

"Yes, we are. And I think that you will be too. You deserve happiness, Ziva. Maybe more than a lot of people I know. I am genuinely sorry if I ever stood in the way of that happiness."

Ziva's throat closed with genuine emotion as she wavered on her feet. She focused on the frame hanging above her stove, a picture of Ari and Tali and herself, young and innocent and smiling on the beach in Eliat. It gave her the strength to respond.

"Thank you, Chana. Truly. I will see you later, yes?

"Later, Ziva." And with that, she hung up.

"What did ema say?" Sarah asked curiously, munching on some cereal.

"That I should not be nervous and enjoy myself."

Sarah nodded. "She's right. What do you want for breakfast?"

"Oh, I'll just have toast-"

"Waffles!" Sarah cried, grinning at Abby congenially. "We have fresh strawberries!"

"Sounds like a plan, Sar. Now get out of the kitchen and take a bath- I brought some lavender bath salts!"

Sarah nodded at her encouragingly, so she dropped a kiss to her cheek and left headed upstairs.

...

"You look stunning." Gibbs commented from the doorway, and Ziva startled.

"Thank you." She blushed, and looked him up and down, a smirk gracing her features. "You look well put together yourself." He looked smart and handsome in a new, well-tailored suit that complimented his eyes perfectly. He looked clean and safe and genuinely happy to play the part of father of the bride. She and Tony had talked for a long time about whether or not to invite Eli, but eventually decided not to. He would find a way to manipulate the circumstances for his own gain, and it was their special day. Anyway, Ziva didn't want him within miles of Sarah- she was too good for him. Gibbs was kind and, if she had to admit it, the father she'd grown up without.

He shrugged. "I clean up nice when I have to. You almost ready? DiNozzo's about to wet his pants he's so anxious to see ya."

Ziva grinned at the mental image and took a deep, shuddering breath.

"Almost. I just need a few minutes to... Collect myself, yes? Is everyone here?"

He nodded. "Yep. Sarah's playing host- it's pretty cute."

Ziva nodded pensively and stated out the window, tears forming at the corners of her eyes.

"It is so exciting. I am so happy to spend the rest of my life with Tony, and yet... I feel something missing."

Gibbs shrugged. "Your mom, sister, and brother don't get to be here today, Ziver. That's hard to swallow- I know. But they'd want you to be happy. And maybe they're here, watching over you today."

Ziva raised a quizzical eyebrow at him. She had never known Gibbs to be so philosophical, so sentimental.

"Thank you for doing this." She finally managed.

"Ziver, there's no place else I'd rather be."

As if on queue, Abby, Sarah, McGee, and Ducky hurried back. "We're ready!" Abby squealed, kissing Ziva's cheek. Sarah hugged her tight and linked arms with McGee, Tony's best man.

"You're glowing, my dear." Ducky gushed, and squeezed her hand.

Before she knew it, they were walking out of Gibbs front door, arm in arm. As the rounded the corner, Ziva spotted Tony craning his neck. His face lit up when he saw her, and she could have sworn she saw him wipe a tear from his eyes. He was a good man, she thought, and smiled back at him.

"Proud of ya, Ziver." Gibbs whispered in her ear before he took his place in the audience.

"Thank you, Gibbs."

As the Rabbi began to speak, she and Tony joined and hands and smiled at each other. They were so in love, and oh, so happy.

"You may kiss the bride." He said finally, and there was clapping.

"Finally." Tony whispered, and she pulled him down close.

"Finally." She murmured as the broke apart.

...

There was food and dancing well into the night. Sarah and Kayla Vance hit it off right away, and giggled endlessly throughout the evening. She danced with Gibbs, and laughed with McGee. She and Tony were never more than a few feet away from each other the whole time, and she and Sarah twirled around to make their skirts twirl.

And when it was time to leave, they shared a sweet, quiet moment together under the stars.

"I love you, shaifeleh. I had so much fun this week, and I will call you as soon as I get back from my honeymoon. Perhaps we will see each other again this summer."

"I hope so." Sarah murmured, bending her head forward so their foreheads were touching. "I love you, Ziva."


End file.
